Final Word: Come on in, the coffee's fine!

By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY

One down. Two to go. With Memorial Day behind us, we only have to worry about the Fourth of July and Labor Day as major summer holidays where bathing suits, for better or worse, are expected to be worn.

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  By Suzy Parker, USA TODAY

By Suzy Parker, USA TODAY

Once they're out of the way we can then relax, eat whatever we want and march toward Thanksgiving and Christmas with the knowledge that bathing suits are never worn at either of those holidays, unless of course you're Australian, which we are not.

A new poll from Marist College says 41% of us would prefer to take a trip to the dentist than shop for a bathing suit. I'm a bit surprised the percentage isn't higher. As my friend Katy likes to say about things she tries to avoid, she'd rather stick pins in her eyes.

I actually like my dentist, so I definitely would rather visit him than try on bathing suits, something I have not done since, well, forever.

I have had the same pair of black boxer trunks for years now. They will stay with me as long as the elastic band holds. I will admit there have been seasons when that band has been put to the test, but so far, so good. Elastic bands are our friends.

But there is help on the way. I read so just the other day. Coffee helps us lose weight, they say, especially if the caffeine goes in our pants, not down our throats.

A company is marketing shorts laced with caffeine and other stimulants. The theory is that caffeine ? along with things like guarana (an herb) and hoodia (an appetite suppressant) ? is absorbed through the skin.

Voil�! You're bathing-suit ready in less than a month, if you wear the shorts at least five hours a day.

At least one study reports a 2-inch loss on hips after 21 days. Other clinical studies show some weight loss, but most diet experts say the results are still unproven.

I'd be more concerned that on any given day I'd smell like morning blend or French roast, not that there is anything wrong with smelling like morning blend or French roast. Might be kind of nice, actually.

The good thing about getting to a certain age is that you don't really care what people think you look like in a bathing suit. My friends in my water aerobics class, who come in all shapes and sizes, pay no attention to my boxer shorts. I pay no attention to their water attire.

There is a young woman, however, who often swims in the adjacent pool while our class is going on. She is 18 feet tall, has zero body fat and her red swimsuit fits her like a second skin. We all hate her.

She leaves a lovely scent, though, as she passes.

Mocha java, I believe.

E-mail cwilson@usatoday.com

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