Randy Lehrer: Living with Distance

If being part of a couple is one of the primary appeals of marriage why is it often the very thing that drives couples apart? Where in life do you learn to be part of a couple? How do you become part of a couple when much of your life you have tried desperately to live on your own? You've labored to break from the symbiotic ties with parents, siblings, and friends. When relationships have been complicated or disappointing, you've carefully designed ways to protect yourself. You have been wary of closeness. You are used to living with distance.

Behind Closed Doors:
By the time couples seek couples therapy they often have been living with enormous distance. They didn't notice it until something happened that threw everything into chaos. It could have been a child's graduation, an illness or the loss of a relative. It could have been an affair.
Suddenly the distance they are used to feels uncomfortable. It gets called different names.

"I can't talk to him about anything."

"He expects me to be there for all his needs and then he does whatever he pleases."

"I feel like I have to do things the way she likes- I feel like a prisoner."

"She never wants to travel or have sex. She's always working."

Distance isn't always being in separate rooms or on separate schedules or physical distance at all. It is in fact an inability to be authentic with the "other" when he or she is right there. This kind of distance makes one feel removed. It's like sitting in a large lecture hall and tuning out. We are convinced this has little to do with us. We feign interest but we have conflicting thoughts. We can't wait to go. What we don't see is how actively we defend against taking things in. We feel that we are not getting our needs met and we disengage.

The two couples that are in my office have different stories. However, for both, this disengagement started to take place some time ago.

Couple #1

Eric went to Jane's therapist because he said he wanted a separation. They came to couples therapy ostensibly to figure out how to help their teenagers, ages thirteen and fifteen, through this time. Both Eric and Jane were united on one topic; they loved their kids. It was easy to talk about the kids - their schedules, who took who where. They each had demanding jobs and time at home was relegated to family activities. There was no time alone; no time for each other. Eric had a picture of how married life should be and this wasn't it.

What do we learn?

Eric had an intrusive mom who insisted on knowing his every move. He resisted the notion that his wife would reign him in. He craved his freedom. His work included regular travel and when he returned he wanted Jane's love and attention. Jane had a demanding career in finance and then immersed herself with her kids. When Eric returned he interrupted their lives. Jane found Eric to be an intrusion.

They did not plan time for evenings alone. No dinners, no nights out. Their first scheduled dinners were the ones that followed our couple's sessions. They did not plan trips together. They did not share thoughts or fears. They didn't even watch the same television show together. They were busy juggling work and the kids.

Eric had a health scare and began to fear his own mortality. He fantasized about being taken care of and being safe and happy. His home was not that place. He wanted to leave. However, he wondered if it would it be any different elsewhere. He had agreed to this lonely marriage.

What can we expect?

Eric and Jane had been living parallel lives. Their only point of connection was the kids. That is a strong bond and would be a good place from which to move forward. However, they appear to be too entrenched in their separateness at this late point to stay together. Regardless of what happens they would both do well to understand their role in the marriage.

Couple #2

Jack and Sarah were in their sixties and their children were older and out of the house. Jack was so focused on his law career that Sarah thought she was protecting him by asking as little of him as possible. Her biggest pleasures were travel on her own and being with friends. Sarah asked little of Jack. Jack asked nothing of Sarah. But now the kids were gone. It was lonely. They both went elsewhere for comfort. The family was troubled; the marriage was pained. They sought therapy to examine it more closely.

What did we learn?

Sarah and Jack both had developed a "false self". Each tried to be what they believed the other wanted. Sarah equated asking for anything with a loss of power. As a child asking anything of her parents made her feel controlled so she learned to keep to herself and manage her life autonomously. Jack had survived a very critical parent. He was afraid of Sarah's disapproval and tried to please in order to stabilize the family. Both felt controlled by the other. They had actually learned not to express themselves; instead each had a wish that their needs would be intuited. They never discussed money or sex or feeling alone. When the children were older and moved away the marriage was suddenly not right. Like any distant place it became lonely and insufficient. Sarah had her bags packed, and once a bag is packed it becomes hard to look closely into the suitcase.

What can we expect?

Jack and Sarah may in fact figure this out. Pseudo-autonomy had defined the relationship. Neither partner knew how to navigate the couple. Their needs have changed. But when they can take responsibility all things become possible. They have much to learn about one another. An empathic partner is more attractive. With patience there may be an honesty that is new.

It is remarkable that each of these couples lived with such distance for such a long time and colluded so unwittingly. Is there hope? Perhaps, had the pattern been noticed earlier, the language may have been different. However, there are indeed two people sharing a scenario, no matter how unhappily. There is an opportunity to unite in this understanding.

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Monica Keena Danneel Harris Robin Tunney Ciara Angelina Jolie